Studies is one thing, but thinking of you is another. The many "if only you were here" phrases seemed to throb so painfully in my head every time some actions, some things, remind me so badly of you.

Time and time again, I kept telling my conscious mind to shut off these emotions, these recurrent longings, but really, it's just too hard.

How many times have I wished for you to appear right before my very eyes, and how many times when I opened my eyes, you were just not there.

There were many occasions when I just selfishly wished that you could appear in my school, to give me your jacket of warmth, like you always did. Many times, I fantasized, and many times, reality had to crash it all back down.

I know our telepathy is gone, our relationship is beyond salvage, but there are just too many "what ifs'.

This retreat was REALLY tiring. Sleeping at 2-3am in the morning and waking up at 6 isn't a joke. Oh wells, but nothing could compare to the first day of the retreat. It was a greater Joke.

There was lack of coordination between the adults and youths.... so..... Our first day was screwed up really badly and it was really scary to hear really overwhelming comments. I almost broke down. Luckily, my God was there for me. He reminded me of who He is, and in Him, there is nothing to fear. Even though the programme was so screwed up that day, even though we received really overwhelming comments, my God pulled me through that day. The first night was equally bad. We had to prepare our final logistics for the next day, plan for the entire programme flow, and still, prepare devotional materials to slot under the door of each youth/YA room. By night, I was literally running on God's energy fuel. It would definitely be impossible to run on my own fuel. VERY IMPOSSIBLE.

The workshop went really well on the second day. Praise God! I was so organised on the second day I knew I wasn't doing everything by myself. I knew God was my planner. If anyone knows who I am, the first ever character trait is "BLUR". How could I have listed what I needed to do so neat and organised? How could the workshop flow so well? It's because I have a wonderful God who reminds me of ALL the things I've left out while planning out the schedule. God is too wonderful.

As I think back, the fourth day really tore me apart, but there were really great people who were there for me on that day. Nicole and Yi Qing really stood by me as we boarded the bus to Mines. They were there for me as I broke down and cried. Thanks guys! Thank you Pastor Esther and Keith for your prayers. Today, I am up and well! :)

The last night marked an unforgettable event for me. God spoke to me to attempt to do something, and it was so clearly affirmed by the signs that I received. The music change and the people shuffle. Haha, I didn't believe what God told me to do, so I asked for these signs. Well, God proved to me He was serious by really sending me these signs! That night was really unforgettable. I did something I didn't expect myself to do. I hope everything goes well from here.

The retreat ended, but my holiday hasn't. I went on to Melaka for another round of shopping. Cooool and AWESOME.

I just LOVE YUNA! Her triples are EXCELLENT, her speed's FAST, her artistry is GORGEOUS! Do look at the SP (freeskate) trip flip trip toe combination! It's BEAUTIFUL! 

AHHHHHHHH

AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

Hahaha.... I'd better stop watching, cause well, I can NEVER be like her, so no point getting ENVIOUS! 

AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH

This year seems to flash by more quickly compared to my past 18 years. Looking back at these past few months, I realised that there are A LOT of things I can thank God for, many major lessons He's made me learn, and many more fond memories I can hold dear to when I'm away. 

 

I really do thank God that I was able to join REAL, that I was able to make such wonderful REAL friends (Shavin, Yi Qing, Gladys, Melody, David, Keith, Samuel), to meet my wonderful GIRLS (Bernice, Claire, Felicia, Germaine, Mavis, L.Yi Ting, W.Yi Ting, Sherilyn, Miranda, Xin Tong, Asyqin, Syhirah, Artika) and BOYS ( Leroy, Willis, Xuan Hao). Most importantly, I thank God for ALL the friendships forged in REAL, for ALL the wonderful times we had together, for all the support and strength we all gave each other, and for ALL the love we shared as a team!

Indeed, REAL was one good blessing that came my way. 

For the past many many many years, I've got a knot that became so complicated that I could see no way to loosen it, but thank God, this year, I've finally been able to untie this dead knot. Well, for the past few years, I've been avoiding and ignoring, occassionally exchanging conversations that last only for a few seconds. This year, however, was slightly different. I asked God to grant me the gift of resolving conflict, and yes, God taught me that, the long way. I realised that whenever we ask God for something, he doesn't just give us, but instead, He makes us learn it. 

Well, so what happened this year was really special, to me. Somehow, God just gave me so many chances to pluck up my courage and do the talking. There were many occasions where it just felt so good to be on talking terms, like how it used to be. I know I can't turn back time. I know I can't return to the past, but to relish those fond memories, even for a short span of a day or two, is enough for me.  Everything's probably back to normal, because one-sided attempts don't last long) Although it was a ONE-sided effort, but I'm really glad I was back in a good old dream:)

The Cambodia trip was another blessing God gave me. If I wasn't there, how could I have made such wonderful friends, how could I have helped bathe those lovely kids, how could I have seen the wonderful miracles that God did in Cambodia? Going there made me realise that I really do love children. They give you a certain joy when you see them. Even from afar, watching them wave their small hands at you, anticipating your arrival  would make you want to sprint through the sandy soil to hug them. Being with them was my greatest joy. Their smiles will be your strength. But, the largest impact only came when I was at the slump bathing the kids. Seeing them really made me cry. They were malnourished, poorly looked after, and were living in unhealthy environment. They had no shoes, they were wearing worn out clothes that were so black it was dirtier than our floor mats, and they had many skin infections. How could my heart not bleed when I see them? They were small and vulnerable, it really makes you want to try your best to protect them, to shelter them, to heal them. I really do hope I will remember to honour the promise I made to God there and then. 

The third blessing was my attachment to NUH. God has been SO SO wonderful He blessed me again at the PAEDIATRIC department. There were KIDS all around me. It's a wonderful place to be in, especially in the cancer ward. Stepping in there is a kind of tranquility and peace that would make you forget where you are at, and what you are doing. It's the last place to be completely sad and broken, instead, I thought it was a place of solace. It gives you the feeling of "lying on green pastures, and beside still waters". It really makes you want to be a sheperd to gather these sheep for a day of rest. These children had neither fear nor insecurity, instead, they had an unspeakable courage that lets them dispel all their fears and insecurities. I wish I could bring you guys there, and I'm sure you would definitely agree with me when you see them:)

Last but not least, God has given me Mr. guit. Gideon, whom I faithfully strum( er... once a week!), a very gracious Mdm Lau who was willing to postpone her retirement plans just to help a lousy me get back some basic techniques( so that I can practice without her around), wonderful friends like Glads and Mel to attend dance classes together, and a sacrificial friend who was willing to skate once more with me :) 

Dancing is my life, be it on the floor, or on ice. I really thank God I was able to immerse myself in dance for one last intensive time :) Well, piano's not my life, but it's my right hand. Without the keys, I would be like a disabled person. God's really so good to me:) I am so so so blessed:)  

Well, apart from that, I've been enjoying my life and crying my heart out watching really cool drama serials :) Starting to really love this kind of life! :)